right now this is my journal...

I can't bring myself to write in a journal, i don't know why. It just seems to daunting to handwrite my feelings in a book that will stay empty pretty much cuz i am so horrible about journaling. So, here i don't feel like i have to catch up the last 5 years, i can just write. So, here i am, typing as fast as i can think. I am just going to say this. I thought i was tougher then this, but i will shout it out right now that, "I hate having to say goodbye to Dave". I am sick of him leaving. I am not the strong wife i though i was. I NEED him. I am not good at being both parents. I need him to be here to do dad things. The kids love to wrestle, me not so much. He loves to have sleep overs with them, me not so much. They NEED him to. I know this is just how it is for now and i want to be the strong supportive wife, but i feel like I'm cracking. My heart goes out to those wives who send their husbands to war, but in our case, we make this choice. Dave doesn't have to go. He just can't stand the dullness of the site. He wants more. I am all for bettering yourself and not settling, but isn't it better to be together, even if you hate your job? I don't know, I just feel broken. I am not a good single mom. I don't have a lot of patience with the kids and mostly because i am sad and unhappy with Dave being gone. There, i said it. It feels a little better i guess...